I feel really pathetic to have acted so stupidly. I pushed John away in the name of self preservation. And now when I realise all want is him and to be with him, I think I am too late. I hurt him so badly when I decided to end things, just because I felt so insecure about myself. He did the right things and I punished him because I feel ugly on the inside and out. But now it all comes back to me. I feel lonely and all I want is for his company. He is on my mind all the time, just lingering in the background, and I wish I could just pull it out because it hurts. I hate the reminders, all I can hear in my head is me repeating his name. If I was given another chance will I just mess it up again? I still have the same insecurities. I miss our mindless chatter and his philosophies on life and love. I want to touch his eyelids and the skin around his eyes. Have him tie my hair up out of my face. Lie reading with the candle. Be comfortable in our silence. I miss him so much and now I dont know what to do.
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We humans often are too harsh in our reactions and let our emotions rule our life. We don't wanna think things over thoroughly but act on instinct like the animals we truly are.
You can't defy the reminders you're writing about because your memories define your personality. If you could get rid of them, you'd get rid of some small part of yourself too. There's no reason not to relish the good times the two of you shared together.
Given another chance you're prone to act in the same way again because you still feel insecure. If you truly wanna get back on the right track, there's only one thing you can do. Apologize and explain. For as long as he can't understand your motivation he wont be able to trust you again.
As you seem to like Ben Harper, remember: "... and still like the dust I'll rise". You can get back to "normal". All it takes is the will to make things right.
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